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So waking up this morning I'm trying not to have those unwanted thoughts.  You know the kind of thoughts that start coming around after something traumatic happens. .. Like a break up or maybe in some people's case a death. Why is it that every time I find a little piece of mind and think I'm actually ok those thoughts come back. Thoughts like "what if", "I can't stand you", "why did you feel you had to hurt me" "why can't I let this go and move on" "ugh you're such an idiot" and the list goes on.
Some days are better than others though and those days are the days I look forward to when my mind can stay occupied on pleasant thoughts and not the constant doubt. Who likes to have doubt about the direction of their life,  their career,  whether they'll ever get married and have a family? I keep thinking about him and what he's doing! Ugh I hate that because I know he isn't doing the same and that makes me angry because I'm giving him presence in my heart and mind. (Lord please let me forget about him). I know I hate thinking about those things. I always try to remind myself God has a plan for me and everything is going to work out beautifully in my favor but sometimes it's hard. As I'm lying in bed and the sun is shining through the windows it makes me feel a little better but there's something about the way the light dips back down in the shadows,  or the quietness around that is very unsettling. I've never been the type to want to have a pity party for myself but sometimes I find myself the older that I get the more my own uncertainties start to have prevalence in my mind.  Oh Jeez,  spare me mind is what I have to beg at times. I really am trying to let things go.I've always had an issue with having that control and it seems as if its backed me up into a corner; the constant worry that I have over things out of my control. Well I keep praying about it and I know it takes time to move on.  I think it would be so much easier if that time could be RIGHT NOW. I always hear that there's a blessing or lesson in every storm which I truly believe it's just the waiting for the lesson or blessing through all the heartache and pain that's the tough part. I think it all stems from how much i hate being lied to. I didnt deserve that after all the long talks and promises to be honest i still was lied to.. That in itself is the worst part of this whole thing that I put myself out there again and instead of it ending as my fairy tale it also ended as a nightmare just like before. Ergh well,  I guess I'll get out of bed where my thoughts are getting the best of me.

Signed

Over the thoughts that are keeping me in my past

Letter to a heartbreaker

Dear heartbreaker,

You are a liar, a dream stealer, a hurt soul that brings about hurt to others. Why do you steal the dreams and wishes of a spirit only seeking love? Why do you fill a woman's heart with false promises and hope? Are you so broken that you have to break to others in your path of destruction? What is it about the pure hearted that you target? Is it easy to get them to fall for you so that you can be quick to leave them with nothing but tears on a pillow?
She loved you heartbreaker. She prayed for you heartbreaker. She gave you her heart to cherish it and instead of you proceeding with caution of a fragile element of a woman you decided to break the one thing that was genuine and true.
Heartbreaker who are you? Look at what you've done to her heart. Look at what you've done to the beautiful spirit that was once whole before she knew you...now the pieces of a once complete heart are now shattered on the floor with only The Lord there to put the pieces back together. The Lord who was always there but she decided that He was pushing you towards her. Oh how she prayed on a daily and He never seemed to fail. But heartbreaker you were disguised as a man of her dreams, a man with everything but she quickly realized it meant nothing.
You were the heartbreaker from the very beginning. She didn't want to see it. She didn't want to believe that The Lord could send someone to break her heart.... Not the beautiful spirit that she was. How she trusted you and would have done anything for you. Why did she have to get so close? Maybe because she felt ready to give her heart again. Maybe she listened intently to all the words you shared heartbreaker, all the times you said "I love you" she believed without any hesitation or doubt. Now her heart is broken....again because you once said "can you stand the rain?" It was like a secret promise to work through any storm.
Tears stain a pillow, promises resound in her heart which is on a mission not to be hardened by the lies she believed as truth. Anger, resentment, heartbreak from the heartbreaker. Funny thing is she still prays for you through all the pain you've caused. She still believes there's a blessing in disguise. This heartbroken woman still believes in the beauty of the world, the beauty of a man of God and the blessings that He brings.
Next time this heartbroken woman will guard her heart even more than before. This broken hearted woman will listen to all your words but will also require proof of those words. She'll no longer believe all the lies she's told but will have her heart so open to The Lord that it is Him who tells her which way to go. An "I love you" means nothing these days without proof. She'll no longer take long conversations on the telephone as a sign of love, nor the promises to be together.
This once broken hearted woman will no longer be broken hearted because she remains faithful in her walk with The Lord and has faith that The Lord will not forsake her. Her Adam is still sleeping. She is going to be imperfectly perfect and beautifully broken until her Adam awakens and even then he'll know that she is for him...beyond all the invisible scars, all the tears and all the past hurt he'll accept her because it was destined by God and she'll thank you heartbreaker. She'll thank you for taking her through that pain so that she's able to see what real love The Lord has for her.

Signed:
scarred but still alive