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So waking up this morning I'm trying not to have those unwanted thoughts.  You know the kind of thoughts that start coming around after something traumatic happens. .. Like a break up or maybe in some people's case a death. Why is it that every time I find a little piece of mind and think I'm actually ok those thoughts come back. Thoughts like "what if", "I can't stand you", "why did you feel you had to hurt me" "why can't I let this go and move on" "ugh you're such an idiot" and the list goes on.
Some days are better than others though and those days are the days I look forward to when my mind can stay occupied on pleasant thoughts and not the constant doubt. Who likes to have doubt about the direction of their life,  their career,  whether they'll ever get married and have a family? I keep thinking about him and what he's doing! Ugh I hate that because I know he isn't doing the same and that makes me angry because I'm giving him presence in my heart and mind. (Lord please let me forget about him). I know I hate thinking about those things. I always try to remind myself God has a plan for me and everything is going to work out beautifully in my favor but sometimes it's hard. As I'm lying in bed and the sun is shining through the windows it makes me feel a little better but there's something about the way the light dips back down in the shadows,  or the quietness around that is very unsettling. I've never been the type to want to have a pity party for myself but sometimes I find myself the older that I get the more my own uncertainties start to have prevalence in my mind.  Oh Jeez,  spare me mind is what I have to beg at times. I really am trying to let things go.I've always had an issue with having that control and it seems as if its backed me up into a corner; the constant worry that I have over things out of my control. Well I keep praying about it and I know it takes time to move on.  I think it would be so much easier if that time could be RIGHT NOW. I always hear that there's a blessing or lesson in every storm which I truly believe it's just the waiting for the lesson or blessing through all the heartache and pain that's the tough part. I think it all stems from how much i hate being lied to. I didnt deserve that after all the long talks and promises to be honest i still was lied to.. That in itself is the worst part of this whole thing that I put myself out there again and instead of it ending as my fairy tale it also ended as a nightmare just like before. Ergh well,  I guess I'll get out of bed where my thoughts are getting the best of me.

Signed

Over the thoughts that are keeping me in my past